Most people are quick to assume that much happiness comes from money—wealth. This is especially true when we are bombarded with advertisements and videos of people smiling and floundering their materialistic possessions.
Others, believe that happiness stems from your health. That seems right…? If you think about it, what good is all the money in the world if you can’t be healthy enough to enjoy it? But, there have been countless of cases where people suffer tragic injuries losing one of their senses. Yet, they seem to rebound and appreciate life even more despite their loss of health.
Contrary to popular belief, neither health nor wealth achieve the long lasting effect of happiness. Now, don’t get me wrong. These are very important when you are striving for the good life.
But, if there was one thing that you had to put your total focus on, it should be your social life. The relationships you build over time are where most of your happiness comes from. So it’s extremely important to get this right.
The crazy thing is, we all struggle with relationships. It doesn’t matter if you’re young, old, male or female.
We all have challenges in that department.
What’s crazier is that throughout our years in the educational system we were never really taught the importance of relationships. You would think that would be one of the most important life aspects to teach in our society.
Below, I will share with you the 3 main attachment styles (and rare 4th) explained by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Attachment styles are manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in relationships.
- Secure: Warm, loving, okay to be attached, and comfortable with intimacy. Around 50% of people.
- Anxious: Craves intimacy and constantly preoccupied with relationships. A perfect example would be if a loved one hasn’t texted you back and you quickly jump to the assumption they don’t love you back. Around 20% of people.
- 3 Avoidant: Minimizes intimacy and equates intimacy with a loss of independence. Around 25% of people.
- Anxious Avoidant: Displays tendencies of both. Roughly 3-5% of people.
Now before you jump to conclusions, it’s important to note that neither attachment style is better than the other.
The main point here is awareness of which attachment style you have and which best complements you.
As a secure individual you tend to have more choices. You can easily find a solid relationship with all three attachment styles. Oddly enough, there isn’t any added benefit when two secure attachment styles come together.
As an anxious individual you tend to gravitate towards someone who is avoidant. However, you’re best complemented with a secure individual. In life, we often know what is best for us. Despite this, our tendencies seem to do the opposite. Even though secure people are the best fit for anxious people, anxious people view the relationship as boring. Why boring? Because there is no drama. There is no “why didn’t they text me quickly.” But it’s not really boring. The truth is, there is an addiction built to that type of drama where an anxious individual craves the attention of an avoidant individual. Even though they are never reassured.
As an avoidant individual you tend to gravitate towards someone who is anxious. The same situation applies as mentioned above, but in reverse.
The more you become acquainted with these attachment styles, the more your relationships with friends, loved ones, and business partners will flourish. You'll be less stressed and more happy in every aspect of your life as a result.
It’s important to note that, as we go through life events and changes in our environment that it's possible to change our attachment style. However, the more likely case is it won’t happen.
We aren’t 100% of one attachment style. We are a combination of all three. All three are still around because they provided a purpose for us through history. Try not to look at this science as black and white. Sometimes in life there are exceptions and there aren’t any really clear cut answers.
What attachment style are you?
Pick up your copy of the book Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love.